There is so much on my heart and mind right now. So many different emotions simmering just below the surface. Sometimes the feelings just bubble up in my eyes without me even being aware, such as when my husband reached down and gently wiped a tear from the corner of my eye in church this morning.
It's a mix of so many different things... the chronic pain and exhaustion that keep me pushing myself beyond the scope of my endurance every single day; the pressure to be a more involved mother for my children, when all I really want to do is pop painkillers and sleep; the heartbreak of watching my precious daughter struggling with the same pain and fatigue I've had since my teens, and knowing that no mainstream doctor will know how to treat her, just as they don't know how to treat me; the spiritual battlefield at work that requires constant vigilance; the pain of past abuse, and the struggle with guilt for not taking the kids and leaving sooner; the ever-present thought that this disease will end my life and there will be nothing left to show for it but damaged children and a heartbroken husband.
Worship is the last thing on my mind lately, and yet... worship is what my wounded heart so desperately needs.
I don't mean worship in the popular, contemporary sense, where good feelings and positive emotions are evoked by upbeat, repetitive music and a skilled entertainer/"worship leader" who knows all the psychological tricks for building the pre-service from a light introduction to an energetic body that culminates in a crescendo of emotional release and dies down into warm and calm before a twenty minute pep talk to prepare you for the week ahead.
I'm talking about coming to the alter and laying your burdens down before the Master with your heart broken and laid bare, begging Him to pick up the pieces and put them back together in whatever way would please Him most. I'm talking about meeting with God personally, with a spirit willing to change, gladly surrendering every pain, every struggle, every shattered dream... and they are countless.
You cannot come into the presence of the Living God and leave unchanged. If you walk away from a time of worship the same as when you arrived, you have not worshiped. Do not mistake emotion for worship, for while worship invokes emotion, it does not always flow from emotion.
And so today, in the midst of pain and tears that just won't stop, I pushed myself to get out of bed and drive to church, and in the presence of the One who loved me so much He willingly submitted to His own murder to bridge the gap my sin had created between me and Him, I opened my heart and asked not for healing, but for the strength and grace to shine in the darkness. I asked for wisdom in knowing how to love my children back to wholeness. I asked for forgiveness for my impatience and my many, many shortcomings. I praised Him for the knowledge that in spite of all these chains weighing me down, I AM ALREADY A CONQUEROR!!! I am a child of the only true God and living King! I am only here temporarily, training for the time when I will trade this defective body for a new one that is perfect and imperishable, and I will cast all my crowns and trophies at His feet and give credit where credit is due.
And in the middle of crippling pain, fear for my children's future, and sorrow for the lasting effects of a painful past, I found myself standing bathed in the light of the presence of my God, and I worshiped.
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